BREAKING NEWS: Lampard now follows Dries Mertens on Instagram

Much to the delight of rumor-mongers, it appears that our dear manager has started following Dries Mertens on Instagram. Yes, you read that right! Super Frank Lampard has exhibited a public showing of interest in a player who has been linked to Chelsea incessantly over the past few months.

BRING OUT THE BREAKING NEWS BANNER ALREADY!

In all seriousness though (not really), I tried to decipher why the respected manager of a reputed club decided to indulge in such lowly tittle-tattle. Without further adieu, let’s declassify SW6-confidential case file number 14 and try to evaluate possible scenarios based on conjectural evidence and anecdotes. Strictly for your eyes only.

1. Frank Lampard is bored at home, and since he is neither interested in watching Pulisic making Tik-Tok dance videos, nor has the courage to watch his protégé Reece James get annihilated in FIFA 20, he decided to follow non-Chelsea footballers to see how they are passing their time.
2. It wasn’t actually Frank Lampard who started following Dries Mertens, it was actually his daughter who clicked on the “Follow” button while fiddling with her dad’s phone. The case files mention a close companionship between Super Frank’s daughter and the daughter of a certain Blues footballer, whose name we can’t divulge, but apparently he plays with Neymar on the international stage and co-owns a restaurant in London.
3. It was actually Frank Lampard who started following our supposed transfer target, but he did it unknowingly since he isn’t familiar with the nuances of modern-day technology.
4. Our manager has taken a leaf out of “Klipperty Klopp’s tapping-up playbook” and is stepping up his efforts to appease a player of potential interest, even after going through the laborious ordeal of calling the Belgian everyday (although can you really tap-up a free agent to be? Syntax).

Conclusion: Evidence insufficient to find out the reasoning and rationale behind Lampard’s “strange” behavior.

If it’s not obvious at this point, following a player on Instagram is in no way an indicator of a transfer deal’s completeness (unlike what Il Mattino will have you believe). But if Chelsea want to win the battle for the 33-year-old’s signature, we better seal the deal early as PSG, AS Roma and AC Milan have apparently joined the race, as per ANSA (via Calciomercato).

At this point, it’s exponentially more likely than not that Chelsea hold an interest in Mertens, and with Lampard seemingly wanting the player himself, expect more silliness on this front in the days, weeks, and months to come!